Where I really want to be is somewhere other than here. Maybe Mexico. Or a little south of Mexico. Or a little further to the right south of Mexico. Yah maybe that's about right now.

He said he's leaving for a holiday over the weekend. Needless to say, with her. I didn't ask where. All I said was, have a safe trip, enjoy and take care. I can be so damn fake.

The partying on Friday helped a little. Although at the moment when I read his sms and immediately after I'd replied, I really felt like just shouting at the top of my lungs. Which I did. In the karaoke room. I need distractions 24/7.

I want to go on a holiday too.

Leaving seems to be the trendy thing to do these days.

An old friend left for Bahrain to pursue her dream of being an air-stewardess. She's contracted to stay there for 2 years, and maybe the soonest we'll get to see her is half a year from now.

Although half of me thought the idea of her leaving to stay in the Middle East is crazy, for a pay that's not exactly what you would call attractive, or prospects that are not potentially sky-high; the other half of me admires her courage to just give it up here and leave at the same time.

It's not that easy to just pack your bags and leave. Sometimes, it may even defy all reason.

Except passion.

The only thing that perseveres at the end of the day is passion.

And I'm still trying to figure out if passion can be cultivated.

I'm still working at it.

I have zero passion for my job but I work at it continually, giving it bursts of passion like periodic jabs at the doctor's.

At other times, I just block out everything and WORK. Yes, I do function like a robot sometimes.

But everyday, I tell myself that I will find a way to get out. Nobody understands the degree of excitement that I crave right now.

And yes, passion can be cultivated.

I know because I'm still doing it for him right now.

I'm so drained, it's unbelievable.

Shedding tears has always taken alot out of me. Each time, I feel emptied, hung out to dry like a wet towel, and it always makes me want to just cuddle in bed and zonk out.

Like now.

Seeing her sob was like the straw that broke the camel's back, i.e. it triggered a chain reaction in me.

I know we were hysterical, we even scared one or two people, but we'll be fine tomorrow. I'm always fine tomorrow.

They can't understand why we reacted the way we did, it all seemed too emotional for them to swallow. I admit it was overboard, but I totally understand her mixed emotions. As for me, I have no defence at all because we will still get to see each other, it's not like Armageddon, you know.

Can they understand when I say that I feel left behind? No, I don't think so.
Like everyone you know has moved on but you're still stuck behind, because your shoe got caught in a rut on the ground and unless you leave your shoe behind, you're trapped there until someone rescues you. And you don't know how long that might be. A few hours, maybe days, months? You don't know whether you can survive that long in one piece. On the other hand, it could be your favourite pair of shoes at stake here, like a pair of Ferragamos or something, and you're caught in a dilemma because you know, no girl can bear to leave her Ferragamos behind. So what do you do? Stay or forsake something in order to move on?

OK, that was a crazy analogy, but you know, only to bring the point across.

And everyone who knows my position in the workplace is telling me to stay, to persevere, because they say I've got a future here, I can go far. I can do so much more.

And I know they're right.

It does not make the problem any easier. I've been thinking about it until my brains are fried.

All I want to do is get a good sleep.

It's 3am Saturday night into Sunday morning (however way you want to see it).

I haven't decided if I should try to make it for the Easter Sunday service at o63ohrs Sunday.

It's too freaking early.

-But- I made it for the Good Friday service on (when else) Friday. *pats back*

A sea of old faces, some of which I feel nothing, for nothing, anymore. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Again, I played the part of social chameleon that night.

Made earnest small talk, appeared attentive and interested, even made it seem like I might just come back to church on a regular basis. Oh yah.

But, I will not deny that I enjoyed a good moment that night. Even had it enough in me to pray for a friend as I sat in the pews sharing a quiet moment with God. As usual, I omitted praying for myself. It was pointless.

Although I was reasonably touched, and would certainly like to believe that there was someone out there (human or entity) that genuinely loved and cared for my goodness and wellbeing, enough to make the sacrifice of death for me, I am still disillusioned.

Because of everything I have gone through and all that have yet to come, I now only believe in one thing. What I can do for myself. Which no one else can.

There will be none who will sincerely love me without selfishness. Maybe God. But even that is uncertain.

I have only me.

Happy Easter Sunday, everyone.

I bumped into a ghost of my past.

He was going down the escalator, I was going up.

He called out my name in his deep bass voice.

I didn't recognise the voice, but the face, the face, it was a ghost from my past.

A face which used to be so familiar to me, like a grinning Jack O' Lantern in Halloween.

Now, I have trouble remembering its unique features, the huge teethful smile, the squinting eyes.

It was certainly an unexpected event, one of those moments which made you wonder about its significance, even if it was purely coincidental.

And then the past came flying back to me, moments of distress and heartbreak, when everything failed to make sense.

If only everything went the other way. Things would have been perfect; not like this, no. If only.

BECAUSE OF YOU

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


***


I don't know which is worse. Being stranded or being forced to leave.

I don't know how many times I've said it, but I WANT TO ESCAPE! I REALLY REALLY DO!

All the reasons are present before me, to remain where I am, and I have no defence against them except a feeble emotional response. C'mon, be practical now, the inner voice drones.

And HE said to me, "Control your feelings. It's just a job". As usual, in his eyes, I'm being impractical. Making a mountain out of a molehill.

But what I really need is, for someone, anyone, to say this to me: it's OK to go, you'll be fine, there's no need to worry. Just do it if that's what makes you happy.

And then I'll be happy.