"On bad days, I lie in bed and think of things that might have been"

--- Paul Simon, Slip Sliding Away


Suddenly I realise that I've been afraid for far too long.

I've possibly been afraid of so many things, for such a long time, that unknowingly, I've turned into this person whom I've grown to dislike, and even God-forbid, loathe.

All this whilst the other more natural, more loveable side of me is not surfacing, the way it should be. I've managed to suppress her with all of my fears, it's like she's trapped in a 10m-deep well that she can't climb her way out of. You've got to surf through all the few hundred channels of cable tv just to find that specific one to lure her out of the tv screen.

And I have to admit, these 2 gals know which buttons on the remote control to push for me. I like how I am so much so much more likeable (to myself, especially) whenever I'm with them. Somehow, for some strange reason, they unwittingly manage to bring out that rare side of me whom even I secretly adore sometimes.

This is the me who takes things lightly, who always cracks others up, who acts like a kid and mock-pouts and mock-sulks. This is the me who's cheeky and who's not afraid to goof up. This is the me who plays with soft toys and talks to them and imagines I'm them and doesn't find anything wrong with it. This is the me who grabs at people and force-hugs them if I can. This is the me who's not afraid to look silly, to look ugly; who's not afraid about whether the colour of her top matches her skirt and what's so-and-so gonna say about it, this is the me who is just plain me, myself and I.

In other words, they possibly bring out this better side of me which even I did not know had it in me.

Without them, I would not have known that I'm capable of behaving in this bimbotic fashion, capable of making fun of my situation and my depression, capable of simply not being afraid to speak my mind and not afraid of people judging me in whichever manner. Capable of every gawddawn single thing.

And that's when I realise: with him, I'm always afraid.

I'm afraid of 101 1001 things when it comes to him - afraid of how he'll view me if I tell him that yes, I do get jealous when you're too chummy with my best friend, afraid to let him know that I'm insecure to the power of 100,000, afraid to show him just how often I think about him all the time, afraid to speak badly, behave inappropriately, curse and swear in front of him, afraid to show him all my bad points and display them like deck cards on a table. I'm.plain.freaking.afraid.all.the.time.

And the thing is, I did not use to be like this in front of him.

I was that same childlike character (even more so) because he brought out the best in me. And then, I don't know exactly how or when I did it, but I killed her and buried her in the well myself.

And you know what? He probably liked the before me much better than the after me. I wouldn't blame him. Not one bit.

And so I've decided, it's about time to end the charade and get over all these fears.

I'll start being more comfortable with being myself, start getting used to wearing my emotions on my sleeves when I'm around him, even start to stop pretending how much I care about him in front of him. I have to face my fears and face up to my emotions. I have to stop being a plain puss wuss.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll even start becoming happier. Because now, I like myself better.

Each time I forget anything that I've written here, someone please slap me.