It’s been almost a week since I last cried. It’s not supposed to be this long.

I’m supposed to be so overwhelmed with grief and all things negative that I’m supposed to be crying every chance I can get. But for the last few days, it’s not been the case. Until now.

I don’t know which is worse - wanting to cry and actually sobbing your heart out so bad until you’re weak from crying and nothing else; or wanting to cry but failing to do so, like someone’s surgically removed your tear ducts and you’re left with nothing but a dry, empty feeling; as if someone’s robbed you of something, something that binds you together and keeps you sane.

I feel nothing.


***

During our late-night supper, I told the girls that I cannot find it in me anymore to like anyone new all over again, even if I wanted to.

In other words, someone’s locked my heart and threw the key into the fire. It’s irrevocable. And the person who did it wasn’t me.

People always laugh inwardly when they hear this. To them, it’s nothing but an emotional statement; a thought conjured up when one’s still reeling from a bad breakup or an emotional trauma. You’ll get over this, you will, is what they always say. And you’ll like another guy all over again, perhaps even with the same intensity as before, yes you always do.

At times like this, I wish Elizabeth were here with me, only she would understand the truth of my words and what they mean.

Thing is, I’m really just a detached observer watching myself from a distance now, and making a factual observation (I know it’s very Prozac Nation). I’m just reporting it word for word. Like I’ve said, I don’t feel anything and I don’t think I ever will.

How I wish someone will take me seriously. For once.

Maybe in order for that to happen, I have to resort to measures that people do to get attention and the help that they need. I need to do something drastic. Like blow my head up in an oven a la Sylvia Plath. Or walk into a lake in the steps of Virginia Woods. Pop some pills or slit some wrists like thousands of desperate souls out there. We are constantly crying out for attention. But the ones that matter, those who can actually redeem us, they’re never here. They never listen.